July 23rd, 2005
I feel like puking.... thx info :]
Current Mood: sick
July 11th, 2005
|07:38 pm - Seasons change but the shit is still the same|
Months go by and nothing changes... well for the most part... I graduated high school... I am still going to Evergreen... I still work at the shitty movie theater... They still treat me like shit... I still get paid a measly seven dollars an hour... I don't have a car... I don't have an apartment... I don't have any close friends... And I am fucking broke... Hopefully, everything will change this summer... I am trying to get a second job so I can afford somewhere to live and to pay for school and food... Sigh... I am not very interesting...
Current Mood: bored
July 10th, 2005
Chemicals... Everything is chemical...
Current Mood: cold
May 24th, 2005
i feel depressed, anxious, and angry... everyone is pushing me away... and i guess I help them do that in a sense... i need to get out of everyones hair and live my own life... some day soon i hope... then maybe i will be able to love myself
Current Mood: crappy
May 16th, 2005
people piss me off... this week already sucks... i am anticipating the disappointment of this coming thursday... and i am not cherishing the couple days left of being 17... fuck my group... fuck work... and fuck boredom... fuck school...
Current Mood: anxious
May 11th, 2005
|06:27 pm - What does dark matter consist of?|
Mindless self indulgence didn't compare to last time... I turn 18 in a week... WOO!... Graduation is coming up, I can't believe I made it there... I have so much work to do... I don't know why I am wasting my time doing this... My sisters cat got hit by a car yesterday... Life is so sad... The trick is to not let it get you down... Feelings are illusions... We are insignificant specks in a universe that doesn't seem to end... but everything is quite alright... perfect...
Current Mood: indifferent
April 29th, 2005
I haven't smoked in 5 1/2 days... woo for me... nothing really new is going on... I am fucking broke... I am not sure if I will be able to go to college anymore... unless I find a job where they pay me a lot more... It makes me sad... but I don't have too much control over the situation... Sigh... I turn 18 in 20 days... I don't know if I am ready to grow up... I never got to be a kid without any worries... Now that I will be an official adult I will loose hopes of that ever happening... It is so depressing to be surrounded by people older than you who haven't yet experienced the feelings you have come to know so well... I know that one day they might come close to understanding, but no one really notices how privileged they are... Even myself... I know that I am lucky to be in America and have all the rights and freedoms I have as a woman... However I sometimes stop to think about all the things I don't have and how much everyone else has more than me... I know that is wrong behavior so I try and stop it... It is just hard because I feel like no one could truly understand how I feel unless they had gone through something similar... That doesn't often happen... I hate being jealous... but it is so hard... it is hard to stand by and watch people taking everything for granted... everything I have always wished for... they just shrug it off... people are spoiled... I just get so frustrated because I try so hard to be good... and I feel like there is no reward... I feel utterly alone... I don't want that much... I just want the bare minimum... why must I wallow in self pity? I know I am better than that... One day I will have a degree and a home... I will be happier than other people could ever be because I will know that I fought my way there... no one handed me everything I needed on a golden platter... I will have accomplished it all my self... it will be worth more and hopefully i will never take it for granted...
Current Mood: contemplative
April 22nd, 2005
Last night I had a really weird sleeping pattern and today I woke up and had some green tea... then i spent six hours cleaning straight... I feel accomplished... I actually did something today... I cleaned the bathtub, the sink, the mirrors, under the sink, the counters, sorted the laundry, took out the trash, washed 7 loads, took the dishes down stairs and scrubbed them, emptied the dishwasher and then loaded it again... I hurt now... I am so glad I am not a maid... I wish I had some food... I haven't eaten much today... I haven't smoked at all for two days... I broke down a bunch of times last week but I have been doing good again... Every time I want to smoke I will just get up and clean... It seems to work...
Current Mood: accomplished
April 8th, 2005
I got horribly sick and now I am getting better thanks to antibiotics and over-the-counter medications... Hooray for modern technology... In the past I may have died or have been more horridly uncomfortable... My throat and the lymph nodes in my neck were so inflamed and swollen that my ears hurt inside... I thought I had two ear infections but that wasn't the case... My ears still hurt now but it is much more tolerable... Although my condition is improving dramatically woke up several times during the night due to pain... My facial cavities are emitting blood... Yeah... It feels great... Regardless of my disease... I felt so much better today that I wanted to drink... badly... but i haven't... I also quit smoking again... today is my second day... lets see if i can pull this shit off...
Current Mood: sick
March 25th, 2005
hmmm... I never really post anymore... I think I have finally realized I have nothing interesting to say...
Current Mood: okay